It's been a year...

E has recently turned two and I'm expecting number two.  After going through a bout of clinical anxiety and depression last fall I began to re-evaluate how I deal with life and unexpected death.  After recovering from a brief mental episode I felt I was ready to move forward and begin trying to have baby #2.  We quickly conceived in our first month of trying in July 2011 and after two perfect sonograms I was convinced that the baby was meant to be.  Sadly, I went to my 11 week sonogram with my mom and our baby had died.  I was scheduled for another D&C in September and went through a horrific time. Not only had I lost my baby, but my grandfather, Daddy Hayes, passed away just two weeks prior. In an effort to uplift everyone's mood at his funeral I shared my 8.5 week ultrasound picture.  The news of the baby's impending arrival was also mentioned in his obituary. It was, in my mind, supposed to be a reconciliation. The death of my grandfather renewed with the life of my baby. Life is not that simple I suppose and just two weeks after his death I was given a second blow that the baby was gone.

Fortunately, after the losses I managed pretty well.  I managed to keep my head focused on what's important... my family...my 2 year old love E.  I became engrossed in cooking and baking and I managed to pick up my camera again from time to time, something I love doing dearly. My husband and I decided to try again for baby #2 again and to our surprise we became pregnant after our first try.  I found out this past Monday just before Thanksgiving.  I am due in Aug 2012.  We decided to announce our news to my parents and sister on Thanksgiving day.  We are glad for them to know and couldn't live without their support should this baby not make it.  I'm 4 weeks pregnant and for the first time feel like I just have to let life do what it will. In the past I have obsessed over twinges or lack of symptoms, but so far not this time.  I've been through it before, I survived and I will hopefully not have to go back to that dark place again.  I will end this post with a picture of E and Daddy Hayes that I took about a year ago.  We miss you Daddy Hayes, take care of my babies. Love you all forever...